My Best Friend's Bucket List: Volume One Page 5

CHAPTER 5

  Epic Fist Fight At The Indoor Swap Meet On A Sunday

  (Even More Epic Time Cut)

  Do you remember the first fight you ever saw? If you're lucky it probably was a licensed boxing match. If you're not so lucky it was your parents. These things happen. It's a big fat slice of Americana.

  The first fight I had ever seen was between my mom and dad, ironically mom started the fight, dad held no restraints. Soon they were in full fisticuffs, like Edward Norton and Brad Pitt, bare knuckle fist fighting. People often gasp or flinch when I tell them that nowadays. They can't believe I can be so casual and up front about it.

  Eh, it's in the past. And now, as an adult, I can appreciate a real good fist fight.

  That day was really cold. The dark gray clouds were in full bloom, bloated with the possibility of rain. It was Sunday and the indoor swap meet was doing magnificent business. The thick stench of churros and popcorn oil infiltrated the filtered air. As always there was a stale beer smell in the air(California here we are). The building was literally a ginormous cinder block, hollowed out, filled with vendors selling anything and everything.

  The cinder block had doors and exits. The main entrance was guarded by two large security guards. Other guards walked around checking out the Latina women in tight short skirts and tops that revealed aureola style cleavage.

  The floor was concrete, the walls concrete, the ceiling high rise. Minus guard towers the place was a fucking prison. But there was no other place that Dick and myself chose to spend our Sunday's.

  To my right was Dick Pickett, my best friend/brother from another mother. To Dick's right was Lorrie Lovitt, chestnut eyed angel, also Dick's girlfriend. To my left was Brandy Hocks, a blue eyed, tight bodied blonde Midwestern bombshell, she'd given up the farms for sunny California. And her family ran a pumpkin patch.

  This was technically me and Brandy's first date, if you don't count porno style sex in the mall bathroom, I was happy to be hand in hand with her.

  DISCLAIMER: My best friends bucket list does not condone nor do we consider sex in a mall bathroom a first date. IF YOU HAVE EVER CONSIDERED THIS ACT A FIRST DATE, PLEASE SEEK OUT YOUR NEAREST SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS MEETING. ALL MEETINGS ARE ANONYMOUS, UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED IN THE MEETINGS CREED(not the rock band).

  Brandy Hocks was a perfect distraction from the great Lorrie Lovitt, whom I was falling in love with faster everyday, but she loved Dick. She also seemed to fancy me in her own way. Just two days ago she had called me 'her best friend'.

  Yeah, Lorrie liked me like an old sweater you don't want anymore, like maybe your now deceased Grandmother had given it to you on her last Christmas. Then, one day, when you're finally about to throw it away, someone says they want it. And even though you were about to throw it away, now it's your favorite.

  I strolled along, sipping a Miller Lite. Brandy also enjoyed a Miller. Dick had a Bud Light, a taste I could never break him of, and Lorrie drank from a Styrofoam cup filled with Seven-up and Canadian whiskey. She chose to drink hard that day and Dick had expressed his concern to me earlier in the day. It went like this:

  Dick: “Dude, Lorrie seems really up in her head today. Ya know? Like she's pissed or I did something.”

  Me: “How do you figure?”

  Dick: “Well, for one, she insisted we basically chaperone you and Brandy on this dreaded Day Date.”

  Me: “Day Date?”

  Dick: “You never saw The Hammer?”

  Me: “Is that a porno?”

  Dick: “No, dude, it's Adam Carolla's boxing movie. He refers to Day Date's as bad news.”

  Me: “OK. Maybe she doesn't trust the random chick I just banged yesterday in the mall bathroom?”

  Dick: “True. But how is that her business?”

  Me: “I guess it's not. Wait, how is she acting pissed?”

  Dick: “Do you think our knives need sharpening?”

  Me: “No.” Dick pointed to the kitchen. Lorrie Lovitt was sharpening our largest butcher knife. She was gritting her teeth and mumbling incoherently. I looked back at Dick.

  Me: “From now on she's not allowed in the kitchen alone.”

  Dick: “Agreed.”

  Now that image of Lorrie sharpening the knife lingered in my head. I was buzzed from the beer, but pretty sure that Lorrie was scowling at me and Brandy any chance she got.

  “I can't believe we can just walk around the market on a Sunday drinking beer. They would have you arrested for that back home.” Brandy said, a slight slur in her speech. I wondered how many trips we made to Dick's trunk.

  “Maybe you should go back home.” Lorrie muttered under her breathe. Everyone ignored her.

  “Oh, well, you can't normally do this you gotta know the right people.” I said and winked.

  “Yeah.” Brandy smiled, “But no one is even saying anything.”

  “Why would they?” Dick asked. Then we took long sips off our beers.

  “It helps to be tight with the security.” I said.

  The two beefed up security guards that watched the door on Sunday's were in a Thrash Metal band. They were called Eagle-something-a-rather. I had got them discounts on their instruments(I used to work in the guitar department of a well known music store). Therefore, they turned a blind eye to the beer and booze. In short, me and Dick got trashed at the indoor swap meet on Sundays.

  I had made several connections at the indoor swap meet on our Sunday adventures.

  “Let's stop here for a sec.” I said to Brandy.

  “Let's get a corn dog while they handle their business.” Dick said to Lorrie.

  “What are we doing here?” Brandy asked.

  “Yeah, Tuck, what are we doing here?” Lorrie chimed in.

  We were in front of a busy and crowded video game tent. There were several flat screen TV's in the front connected to systems like: The Nintendo Wii. Xbox 360. PlayStation 3. Further in the back, beyond all the teens and flat screens, were older TV's.

  “I'm going in the back for a pick-up.” I said.

  “This is one of his few stops.” Dick said to the ladies.

  “WELL I WANNA GO.” Brandy and Lorrie shouted at the same time. I looked at Dick, wide eyed, he shrugged.

  “I can get a corn dog by myself.” Dick said.

  “NO. No you can't. You should take Lorrie with you.” I said.

  “But I don't want a corn dog, Tuck, I want to look at the video games.” Lorrie said, her chestnut eyes begging.

  Dick shrugged, indifferent.

  Brandy rolled her eyes.

  “Please.” Lorrie said to me.

  “You could use a corn dog.” Brandy muttered. I heard her but ignored it.

  “Excuse me?” Lorrie said, not ignoring it.

  “I'm just sayin', I mean, you are under weight, right?” Brandy continued.

  “OK, OK, OK!” I shouted. “You both can go with me, if you be nice to each other, for cripes sake.” I looked at Dick, irritation in my eyes.

  “What dude? They made their choice. Not everyone likes corn dogs. Chicks usually like ice cream.” Dick said, then wandered off, clueless. I wondered if he was drunk or just didn't care.

  Inside, the tent reeked of Axe Body Spray, sour gummi candy, Mountain Dew Original, skunked weed, adolescent sweat. Behind the flat screens was a glass display case. Various used video game titles and console controllers were for sale. One lonely glass display case featured bongs and pipes(not used for marijuana), yeah right.

  I cruised to the back of the tent with Brandy and Lorrie in tow. Both girls were getting horny looks from teen males going through puberty. Bad day to wear tight black pants for Lorrie. Even worse day to wear skin tight blue jeans for Brandy. Neither seemed to notice.

  The back of the tent had a vertical slit in it to make a door. The slit lead to another slit into yet another tent. In the second tent was largest flat screen TV I have seen in my life. On the screen, Marvel Vs Capcom 2 was in full play. Wolverine took on Cyclops in high speed battle.

/>   “The graphics aren't as good as the games in the other tent.” Brandy commented. I was about to explain...

  “That's because this is the original Xbox, the first released by Microsoft. This game is over 5 years old and it's 2D, even though the background is 3D.” Lorrie said.

  “Is this the X-Men game, Tuck?” Brandy asked.

  “No. It's a game that crossed over the Marvel and Capcom universe.” I couldn't turn away from that TV. Two men sat in leather chairs controlling the characters on screen. They were Jack and Jeff Davis.

  “Is Capcom a comic book?” Brandy asked.

  “Dumb ass.” Lorrie muttered. I heard her but ignored it.

  “What's that?” Brandy asked, not ignoring it. What was wrong with women? I thought.

  “You don't seem to know much about video games for someone who wanted to come with us.” Lorrie piped up.

  “Hold up, girlie. You came with us. In case you don't know, you have a boyfriend, so maybe you can get off of Tuck's ass from time to time.” Brandy said.

  “OK, OK, OK!” I shouted, causing Jack and Jeff to pause their game and look at us, “You two agreed to be nice. So I expect nothing but. Drink your drinks and chill.”

  “Tucker Sawyer! The indoor swap meet rat!” Jack said.

  “Tucker Sawyer! You rat!” Jeff said.

  Jack and Jeff stood, their long black straight hair in ponytails.

  I forgot to mention, they were identical twins, they both wore Mountain Dew t-shirts, holey jeans, black Chuck Taylor's(just like me, the shoes, not shirt). I was wearing my faded Ramones t-shirt, holey jeans, black suit jacket.

  “Hey, guys.” I said.

  “Are you going to introduce your lady friends?” Jack said.

  “Aren't you going to introduce the ladies?” Jeff said.

  Lorrie and Brandy looked at me, concern on their face. I assured them with a smile.

  “This is Brandy and Lorrie. Lorrie is Dick's new girlfriend. Brandy is my date today.” I said.

  “Dick had a new squeeze?” Jack said.

  “Where is Richard Pickett?” Jeff said.

  “He's getting a corn dog.” I said, “I'm here for my usual pick-up.”

  “Oh, yes, of course.” Jack said.

  “Of course, yes.” Jeff said.

  Lorrie and Brandy had moved closer to me. Jack and Jeff eyeballed them hard. The twins were almost salivating. It was then I remembered why I never brought girls back there. One time I had brought some chick I was dating at the time. It took me thirty more minutes for my pick-up. With no girls, it took five minutes tops.

  “GUYS! My pick-up?” I said. That seemed to snap the twins out of their trance.

  “Of course, yes.” Jack said.

  “Yes, of course.” Jeff said.

  Jack looked at Jeff. Jeff didn't notice, he drooled over Brandy.

  “Brother, will you?” Jack asked.

  “Will you, Brother?” Jeff asked.

  “Brandy, Lorrie. Will you step out to the other tent.” I said. They looked at me, we were shoulder to shoulder.

  “Will you be quick?” Lorrie asked.

  “Please.” Brandy asked.

  “Yeah. Dick should be back anyway.” I said. Brandy and Lorrie left. The twins' eyes blinked as if some spell had been broken.

  “Mr. Sawyer.” Jack said.

  “Mr. Tucker.” Jeff said. “Allow me to retrieve your pick-up.” He walked behind the large TV.

  “Thank you, Jeff.” I said. “How goes it, Jack?”

  “Great, Mr. Sawyer. We just had a fresh shipment in last night, so your pack should be particularly fresh.”

  “That sounds awesome to me.”

  “Indeed.” Jack said.

  “Indeed, indeed” Jeff said, approaching, handing me a 12 pack of Mountain Dew Pitch Black. I handed him the 6 bucks.

  “I'll see you two next week. Try to beat your meat more. You two could use it.” I said.

  “Indeed.” Jack said, smiling devilish.

  “Indeed, indeed.” Jeff agreed.

  There was a loud crash behind me. I rushed through the slit doors into the first tent the Pitch Black 12 pack under my arm like a football. In the first tent, among all the teens and video games, I dropped the 12 pack as Lorrie landed a right hook square on Brandy's jaw.

  Brandy stumbled back but didn't drop, both women took a fighting stance, the teens created a circle as Brandy landed a gut shot to Lorrie's stomach. Lorrie slumped over, holding her flat stomach.

  “Come on, bitch. Take a swing.” Brandy grunted. Lorrie stumbled forward, she looked hurt, then threw a fast left at Brandy's chin, landed it!

  With Brandy stunned Lorrie slammed a right hand fist into her stomach. Now, Brandy slumped over, head down.

  The teens started yelling: “FINISH HER!”

  Lorrie was about to execute an uppercut with her right fist. I tried to run and stop her, when one of the teens tripped me, I fell flat on my face. I heard my nose crack. Blood soaked the concrete floor. I forced myself to look up from the floor, through watery eyes. I watched Brandy block Lorrie's uppercut with her forehead.

  There was a loud crack, Lorrie's hand broke on Brandy's forehead, the two flew backward. They looked as if they would collapse but they didn't. They manged to stay on their feet. I noticed Dick on the other side of the circle. He looked confused and shocked, a corn dog half in his mouth, mid bite.

  “DICK, STOP THEM!” I yelled from the floor, my broken nose painted the concrete, but he couldn't hear me over the horny teens sadistic chants.

  Horny teens: KILL HER! FINISH THAT BITCH! HAH-DOO-KAHN!

  Brandy and Lorrie ran at each other. Brandy had her right had balled into a fist, blood poured from her forehead. Lorrie held her broken right hand into a fist, she couldn't feel the break just yet, too much adrenaline.

  Right out of a movie, the two both landed solid fists to each others face, at the same time. Lorrie caught it above the eyebrow. Brandy caught it on the bridge of her nose. We were twins with matching broken noses.

  Brandy and Lorrie both fell back on their asses.

  I stood up. Blood staining my jeans. I looked in the group of now scared looking teens.

  “Which one of you fuck heads tripped me?” I asked through gritted teeth. The teens all looked different ways. Acting like nothing happened at all. “Should I beat the shit out of all of you then?”

  The group squirmed and singled out two guys. They were probably 250 pounds between the two of them.

  “Hello. I'm Tucker Sawyer and my nose is broken. What are your names?”

  “I'm Eric.” Said the older one.

  “Jared.” Said the younger one.

  “OK. Here's how this is gonna go, Jared. I am going to beat the shit out of one of you. Eric, you are older, so you make the call. I don't care that Jared is clearly younger.” I said. There was a tug on my coat. It was Brandy.

  “Tuck, leave those boys alone.” She had a rag on her head. The tent had cleared out, minus Lorrie and Dick in the corner. Dick had gotten her ice for her wounds. Good boy, I thought.

  “I'll be with you in a minute.” I told Brandy. Then looked back to the teens. “So, what will it be?”

  “I was just kidding.” Said Jared, the younger one. I laughed and messed up his hair.

  “Run along, Jared. Just don't fuck around like that again, next time you might get your ass kicked.” I said, still livid. “So, Eric, it looks like it's you and me. You know why this is happening to you, right?”

  “No. My little brother did it, man. I never fucked with you.” Eric said. He was sweating bullets. A pull on my jacket distracted me. It was Brandy again.

  “Tucker, leave that boy alone and let's go. My head is killing me and you ain't about to hurt no little boy.” She said.

  “One second, Eric.” I told him, then looked at Brandy, “Wait in the parking lot, I'll be out soon. The little fucker needs his chain yanked. He needs to learn to teach.”

  Brandy stared at me like I w
as insane. But she left.

  I turned back to Eric. “So, you get one punch to the face. Put your hands behind your back and close your eyes.” I said. He complied and I decided to land the full force punch on his mouth. The most damage I did was to my knuckles and his lips and front teeth. He spit blood but it was just drama. He was gonna be fine.

  EPIC TIME CUT: Six Months Later

  It was weird between me and Lorrie after the fist fight at the swap meet. Me and Dick had several beers together over those months and we agreed the fight was kind of hot and sexy.

  Those conversations went this way:

  Dick: “Dude, it was Vivica A. Fox and Uma Thurman in Kill Bill Vol. 1.”

  Me: “Maybe a little. It was hotter than that.”

  Dick: “True. Brandy never called you?”

  Me: “Nah. She moved back to Iowa. I miss her sometimes, but, it's good to be alone.”

  Dick: “I don't know. I'm happy and I can't imagine being alone, without Lorrie.”

  Me: “That makes sense. Lorrie is amazing. You're lucky, dude.”

  Dick: “Do you know what started that fight anyway?”

  Me: “Not really. No.” I lied. Brandy accused Lorrie of being in love with me. That's what started it. Lorrie threw the first blow.

  I had a lot of money saved up. Since that day Lorrie was injured by the girl I brought with me, I felt responsible, things were never the same. I buried myself in my work. Mountain Dew Pitch Black. I hit the gym four times a week. Life wasn't that great but I was doing it.

  I awoke on a Saturday and knew it was the day. I packed up a bag of things I needed to survive. Dick woke up and started making coffee. Lorrie was asleep in his bed.

  “What's up, man?” He asked.

  “I'm outta here, man. I'll be back some day. But I can't do it anymore now.” I said. Dick's face showed he was upset. I thought he might cry.

  “What did we do?” Dick asked.

  “We?”

  “Lorrie and me?”

  “Nothing. I just need the space. I need the quiet.” I lied. The truth was I couldn't be around Lorrie any longer. I was deeply in love with her.

  “You'll be back, right?”

  “Of course, man, you're my brother.” We hugged. I grabbed everything and left. Lorrie slept, never the wiser.

  I hit the freeway going West, toward Los Angeles. It was early in the morning. Not much traffic. I drove, my eyes hurt when I thought about Lorrie. She could never be mine. She belonged to Dick. It was now time to find a life of my own.

  I was in Hollywood seeing a movie, when the movie finished, it was almost 10pm. I headed to my motel room. The Jack Daniel's had hit me just right. The idea of being alone and free was making me so excited. For the first time in my life I was going to be self sufficient. It was simply refreshing.

  The brand new bottle of Jack Daniel's was now half empty. I smiled at the stucco ceiling of the vintage motel room. The next stop was to keep going. I didn't care. Motels would be there for me. Fast food. Booze. Porno on demand.

  Sleep came fast.

  My BlackBerry vibrated. I ignored it. Fell back asleep. BlackBerry vibrated again, woke me up. The phone never rang that much. I forced myself to look at it. The screen said Incoming Call From Auntie Fucker.

  “Yeah, Dick, what's up?” I said.

  “TUCK? OH-I'M SORRY-TUCK?” Said Lorrie.

  “Lorrie, it's me.”

  “TUCK...PLEASE...”

  “Deep breathes, what's up?” I asked

  “TUCK...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...”

  “Lorrie, talk to me.” I was drunk and trying to be sober.

  “Tuck...DICK IS DEAD...” She said.

  “WHAT?!” I said.

  “HE...he...GOT...STABBED...HE'S DEAD TUCK...I'M SORRY, PLEASE COME HOME, I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU...” Lorrie said, hung up.

  I puked all over my clothing. Stars in my eyes, I would wake from this dream, I thought. I had to awake from this dream. I just drank too much, that's all, Dick's still alive. I was so drunk I must have been imagining things...Right?